Cafe Du Matin

All life is here…

Category: Humph

Rpt Pls?

Mum: “Can you grab the crisps from the cupboard, please?”

Wilf: “Which one?”

Mum: “I’m not sure where they were put away. Just have a look….”

[cursory glance, sigh, door slamming]

Wilf: “I can’t find them.”

Humph: “You may need to utilise your optical devices.”



The scene:

Wilf and Bert eating pasta and meatballs. Mum shovelling same into Ted, Arthur washing up and Humph peeling potatoes.

A potato bounces off Mum’s elbow.

Mum: “Did you just throw a potato at me?!”

Humph: “Well, I have to try and off you somehow!”

Mum: “Death by potato?”

Humph: “Haven’t you heard of Death by Potato?”

Mum: “Is that what they did before stones? Potatoing predates stoning?”

Humph: “Yes. Potatoes used to be much harder than stones. So people used to be potatoed. It was a predominantly Irish tradition…”

Mum: “Until the Great Potato Famine?”

Humph, nodding sagely: “Why, yes.”

The horror….!

Humph (14. Panicked): “Mum! There’s a moth in our room!”

Mum: “Okay….?”

Humph: “It’s going to eat our clothes!”

Too Clever?

Humph: “Can I borrow your tape measure?”

Dad: “Sure. Why?”

Humph: “I need to work out the size of my monitor. I’m going to measure the height and the width and then square them individually. Then I’m going to add them together, and find the square root of the sum. That’s the diagonal.”

Dad: “Why don’t you just measure the diagonal?”

Humph: “…”


Mum (calling): “Arthur!”

Arthur (distant): “Yes?”

Mum (half calling, half muttering): “No, come here when I call you. Don’t just say ‘yes’ from another room… *sigh* How many times do I have to say the same thing? *sigh* And people say I have bright kids.”

Humph: “People say you have bright kids… Not kids with common sense.”