Cafe Du Matin

All life is here…

Category: Bertie

The Big Questions

Scene: Mum sorting laundry, Bert watching Shrek 3

Bert: “Muuum…?”

Mum: “Mm-hmm?”

Bert: “You know when you have a baby?”

Mum [uh-oh, here it comes]: “Yup.”

Bert: “You know you have special cuddles?”

Mum: “Uh-huh.”

Bert: “How do you know which cuddles are the special ones?”

Mum: “Well, there are things that will become an awful lot clearer to you when you’re older. But…

…Let me reassure you that no cuddles you give now will result in babies.”



Every cloud…

Bert, home from school with a tummy ache, engaged in the very serious business of looking poorly: “On the bright side, me and Jem have got a new sort of brother…”

Mum, perplexed: “You have? Erm… what do you mean by that?”

Bert: “The new teaching assistant. He supports Sunderland.”

Status Report 4.2.17, Saturday pm.

Family status report, Saturday 4th Feb, 3.30 pm

Mum: Just finished a deep clean of the bathroom, about to write up a knitting pattern and make some toasties for the gang.
Dad: painting a beautiful chalky grey on the wall behind the bed, having stripped the paper off the last wall.
Humph: looking at past A level Latin papers to see how much he can do and how far he has to go.
Artie: playing something noisy and shooty on his computer
Wilf and Ted: watching ‘Home’ in the sitting room.
And Bert.

Ah, Bert.

Bert: stuffing loo paper up his nostrils so he doesn’t get snot on his balaclava.



he’s been there before.

Well THAT fizzled quickly…

Bertie: “Everyone knows my secret now…”

Mum: “What secret’s that?”

Bertie: “That I love Ebonie…”

Mum: “I thought everyone had known that for ages…?”

Bertie: “I’m going to be like Perseus, when he finds Andromeda… Jack can be the evil one, and I’ll rescue Ebonie…


I’m not sure I’m going to be a god.

And I don’t think I’ll kill Medusa. Or slay the sea-monster.”

Mum: “Time to get out of the bath ❤️”

With all my heart…

Bertie: “If I had three wishes, do you know what I’d wish for?”

Mum: “Erm. No. What would you wish for, Bert?”

Bertie: “Number 1: I’d wish for a neverending doughnut.

Number 2: I’d wish that Ebonie loved me.

Number 3: I’d wish she had powers like Elsa so she could make beautiful dresses.”

I spy (#2)

*In the car*

Mum: “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with ‘T'”

Bert: “Trumpet!”

Mum: “Where, for heaven’s sake?!”

Bert: “Trump?”

Mum: “You can’t see them…”

… pause …

Bert: “I smell something beginning with ‘P'”


I spy…

*In the car*

Mum: “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with ‘R'”

Bertie: “Rampage.”


Bertie, about to get into the bath: “Mum… I’m not sure I’m going to be able to drive to the supermarkets when I’m older…”

Mum: “Really? Why not?”

Bertie: “‘Cause I don’t know where they are…”


Bert, nonchalantly brandishing massive pair of binoculars: “Mum? Do you merember when I was too little to lift these binockliers what Jem gave me?”

Mum: “I do!”

Bert (sashays from the room holding them by only one finger): “Well, look at me now…”

Love Conquers All

Bert: “Mum? When I’m a grown-up… how will I find Naomi again?”