Cafe Du Matin

All life is here…

Category: Bertie

The Big Questions

Scene: Mum sorting laundry, Bert watching Shrek 3

Bert: “Muuum…?”

Mum: “Mm-hmm?”

Bert: “You know when you have a baby?”

Mum [uh-oh, here it comes]: “Yup.”

Bert: “You know you have special cuddles?”

Mum: “Uh-huh.”

Bert: “How do you know which cuddles are the special ones?”

Mum: “Well, there are things that will become an awful lot clearer to you when you’re older. But…

…Let me reassure you that no cuddles you give now will result in babies.”

 

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Every cloud…

Bert, home from school with a tummy ache, engaged in the very serious business of looking poorly: “On the bright side, me and Jem have got a new sort of brother…”

Mum, perplexed: “You have? Erm… what do you mean by that?”

Bert: “The new teaching assistant. He supports Sunderland.”

Status Report 4.2.17, Saturday pm.

Family status report, Saturday 4th Feb, 3.30 pm

Mum: Just finished a deep clean of the bathroom, about to write up a knitting pattern and make some toasties for the gang.
Dad: painting a beautiful chalky grey on the wall behind the bed, having stripped the paper off the last wall.
Humph: looking at past A level Latin papers to see how much he can do and how far he has to go.
Artie: playing something noisy and shooty on his computer
Wilf and Ted: watching ‘Home’ in the sitting room.
And Bert.

Ah, Bert.

Bert: stuffing loo paper up his nostrils so he doesn’t get snot on his balaclava.

because

y’know

he’s been there before.

Well THAT fizzled quickly…

Bertie: “Everyone knows my secret now…”

Mum: “What secret’s that?”

Bertie: “That I love Ebonie…”

Mum: “I thought everyone had known that for ages…?”

Bertie: “I’m going to be like Perseus, when he finds Andromeda… Jack can be the evil one, and I’ll rescue Ebonie…

…except…

I’m not sure I’m going to be a god.

And I don’t think I’ll kill Medusa. Or slay the sea-monster.”

Mum: “Time to get out of the bath ❤️”

With all my heart…

Bertie: “If I had three wishes, do you know what I’d wish for?”

Mum: “Erm. No. What would you wish for, Bert?”

Bertie: “Number 1: I’d wish for a neverending doughnut.

Number 2: I’d wish that Ebonie loved me.

Number 3: I’d wish she had powers like Elsa so she could make beautiful dresses.”

I spy (#2)

*In the car*

Mum: “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with ‘T'”

Bert: “Trumpet!”

Mum: “Where, for heaven’s sake?!”

Bert: “Trump?”

Mum: “You can’t see them…”

… pause …

Bert: “I smell something beginning with ‘P'”

*tumbleweed*

I spy…

*In the car*

Mum: “I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with ‘R'”

Bertie: “Rampage.”

Obstacles…

Bertie, about to get into the bath: “Mum… I’m not sure I’m going to be able to drive to the supermarkets when I’m older…”

Mum: “Really? Why not?”

Bertie: “‘Cause I don’t know where they are…”

Evolution…

Bert, nonchalantly brandishing massive pair of binoculars: “Mum? Do you merember when I was too little to lift these binockliers what Jem gave me?”

Mum: “I do!”

Bert (sashays from the room holding them by only one finger): “Well, look at me now…”

Love Conquers All

Bert: “Mum? When I’m a grown-up… how will I find Naomi again?”