Cafe Du Matin

All life is here…

That escalated quickly…

Mum: “Teddy! Your ipad is too loud! Turn it down!”

Teddy: “Grrrrr! No!”

Mum: “Then take it in the sitting room!”

Teddy: “No! I’m not going! I’m not going, Mum! I hate people…. ALL people!”


The Big Questions

Scene: Mum sorting laundry, Bert watching Shrek 3

Bert: “Muuum…?”

Mum: “Mm-hmm?”

Bert: “You know when you have a baby?”

Mum [uh-oh, here it comes]: “Yup.”

Bert: “You know you have special cuddles?”

Mum: “Uh-huh.”

Bert: “How do you know which cuddles are the special ones?”

Mum: “Well, there are things that will become an awful lot clearer to you when you’re older. But…

…Let me reassure you that no cuddles you give now will result in babies.”


Rpt Pls?

Mum: “Can you grab the crisps from the cupboard, please?”

Wilf: “Which one?”

Mum: “I’m not sure where they were put away. Just have a look….”

[cursory glance, sigh, door slamming]

Wilf: “I can’t find them.”

Humph: “You may need to utilise your optical devices.”

Not an option.

Breakfast time.

Explaining the options to Teddy, who has already demanded chocolate cake.

Mum, holding Teddy’s thumb as option 1: “You can have toast and jam, or… [takes his index finger] porridge.”

Teddy (quick as a flash): “Or [holds up middle finger] ice cream.”


The scene:

Wilf and Bert eating pasta and meatballs. Mum shovelling same into Ted, Arthur washing up and Humph peeling potatoes.

A potato bounces off Mum’s elbow.

Mum: “Did you just throw a potato at me?!”

Humph: “Well, I have to try and off you somehow!”

Mum: “Death by potato?”

Humph: “Haven’t you heard of Death by Potato?”

Mum: “Is that what they did before stones? Potatoing predates stoning?”

Humph: “Yes. Potatoes used to be much harder than stones. So people used to be potatoed. It was a predominantly Irish tradition…”

Mum: “Until the Great Potato Famine?”

Humph, nodding sagely: “Why, yes.”

Every cloud…

Bert, home from school with a tummy ache, engaged in the very serious business of looking poorly: “On the bright side, me and Jem have got a new sort of brother…”

Mum, perplexed: “You have? Erm… what do you mean by that?”

Bert: “The new teaching assistant. He supports Sunderland.”

Status Report 4.2.17, Saturday pm.

Family status report, Saturday 4th Feb, 3.30 pm

Mum: Just finished a deep clean of the bathroom, about to write up a knitting pattern and make some toasties for the gang.
Dad: painting a beautiful chalky grey on the wall behind the bed, having stripped the paper off the last wall.
Humph: looking at past A level Latin papers to see how much he can do and how far he has to go.
Artie: playing something noisy and shooty on his computer
Wilf and Ted: watching ‘Home’ in the sitting room.
And Bert.

Ah, Bert.

Bert: stuffing loo paper up his nostrils so he doesn’t get snot on his balaclava.



he’s been there before.

Put it down

Toothpaste is not a snack.

Well THAT fizzled quickly…

Bertie: “Everyone knows my secret now…”

Mum: “What secret’s that?”

Bertie: “That I love Ebonie…”

Mum: “I thought everyone had known that for ages…?”

Bertie: “I’m going to be like Perseus, when he finds Andromeda… Jack can be the evil one, and I’ll rescue Ebonie…


I’m not sure I’m going to be a god.

And I don’t think I’ll kill Medusa. Or slay the sea-monster.”

Mum: “Time to get out of the bath ❤️”

With all my heart…

Bertie: “If I had three wishes, do you know what I’d wish for?”

Mum: “Erm. No. What would you wish for, Bert?”

Bertie: “Number 1: I’d wish for a neverending doughnut.

Number 2: I’d wish that Ebonie loved me.

Number 3: I’d wish she had powers like Elsa so she could make beautiful dresses.”